So the whole ‘Mommy War’ thing has been going for about two years now? Maybe more. My Facebook feed seems like it is always full of ‘Let’s end the Mommy Wars’ posts and yet, clearly, it’s still going on. Well, I’m going to tell you my secret. It is very very easy.
I don’t give a damn.
Lets me say that once more. I. Don’t. Give. A. Damn.
Ok, that’s glib. Admittedly, but also it’s true.
Ohhhh, the Mommy Wars. If you have managed to dodge this it basically is a catch-all for the way moms will hate on other mom’s choices – from the type of diaper they use, to breast-feeding vs. formula, to working versus staying at home, and I’m pretty sure there are rumblings of what the best lullaby out there is for newborns.
But oddly, the most I seem to see of the Mommy Wars are articles about Mommy Wars. Could it be that they are in fact propagating the judging? Are we talking about it so much that it’s making us feel it more even if it’s not happening in our day to day life?
I’ll be honest with you – I can’t think of many times I’ve felt judged as a mom. I’d love to say it’s because I’m an awesome mom and my parenting skills are beyond reproach but I’m also against lying.
I have totally taken my kids to the store in their pajamas which may or may not have bits of breakfast on them…at 3 p.m. My kids have had tantrums in the store, and to be honest my two year old (god bless him) is that kid so many times it’s not even funny. I was a single mom for almost four years. I breastfed my kids exclusively for a couple of weeks before deciding I need to supplement as well. Sometimes I’m super pinterest mom who took days to put together a party and sometimes I leave my unfolded laundry on the couch for a couple days week. I also loathe taking my kids to the park. Oh, and I have a law degree but I’m a stay at home mom right now. So, all in told, I’m pretty sure I’ve BEEN judged, I just haven’t felt it.
Why? Because in my heart I know my kids are well clothed, well fed, happy, and that I love the ever-loving pants off them. I feel very confident in my decisions and I don’t expect them to be perfect kids because they’re still learning – and you know, because people don’t come in “perfect”. It doesn’t mean the tantrums go without consequences, I just accept that I can’t prevent every last one of them.
Do I wish I could have breastfed longer? Sure do. Do I feel guilt about it? Heck no. Is breast milk chemically better than formula? Yep, yep it is (yay science!) but does that mean it’s always the best option? No. Do I personally think everyone should at least try to breastfeed if at all possible? Yep. Do I care if you disagree and go right to formula? Nope. I am a-ok with all of this.
Do some women look amazing after giving birth? (See e.g. Princess Catherine, and incidentally, a healthy proportion of my friends you tricksy minxes!) Yep. Did I? Nooooooooo….. no. no. no.
And the list goes on.
But I find that when I don’t surround myself with the judgy or let the judgy in – I don’t feel the judgy. Maybe I’m just lucky and have the best friends and sister on the planet but none of them have ever made me feel judged. And if they did, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be friends with them.
And if you stop being the judgy one yourself (if you are) – you’ll probably feel a lot less judged. For instance, if you’re hating on a new mama who has a six-pack and you don’t, stop. Stop. Because either she has AH-MAZING genes (in which case can you blame her?) or she works her butt off (in which case you probably could too if you wanted to). I know a mom of five who is in killer shape, but she also meal plans and works out like a fiend. Either way who cares? I don’t have the post-baby body I’d love to have, but honestly, I also don’t work out or eat like I should.
Maybe rather than constantly posting on the Mommy Wars (and yes, I realize the irony here to an extent) we should just stop caring about what other moms think and just care about ourselves and our kids. The truth is parenting in a modern world is not easy. Very rarely are there any ‘right’ answers on how to do things, how to look, and how to be a mom. So let yourself off the hook and stop giving a damn. It’s pretty nice over here.
Mama on Java 
I honestly admire what you’re trying to do here, really. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said..and I don’t quote.. That we talk about it too much. I completely agree. I think being a mom is so entirely frustrating and exhausting at times, that getting to crack down on how other moms do it, makes us feel better. Because it’s annymous online. And when you don’t have to say something judgy to someone’s face, it gives you a platform to be a bitch. Down with articles that promote and encourage you to be a bitch!
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